Agreed. I think that in general if people could mind their own business and refrain from commenting on something they know nothing about (=someone else's life, choices, feelings, experiences)...
As a fellow Childfree By Choice lady myself this completely resonates. I too lost loved ones close together (both parents within 5 weeks of each other in 2012, they both had cancer) and add to that I’m an Only (actually I prefer Oneling as it sounds softer!) seems to cause some people to think they can question my life choices or make judgements. It’s nobody else’s business and I shall probably morph into the Grumpy Cat Lady!
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for the loss of both your parents so close together to cancer! Big hugs and lots of love to you 💗. I like Oneling compared to Only 😊. But UGH why do people feel it's their business to tell you how to live your life?! Like do they have it all figured out and have the magic perfect life?? 🙄🙄🙄.
And here's to Grumpy Cat Ladies! That sounds great to me! 👊😊 (though sadly I'm allergic to cats so it'd have to be dogs for me 😞)
Bless you, thank you for your kind wishes. I’m a firm believer in making the best of how things turn out and if it hadn’t been for that awful time I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing now as I travelled and discovered I could write blogs. They became a book, that book helps me support the special hospice that took care of us and I’m now here communicating with beautiful souls like yourself.
And yes I’m totally with you about those who judge as if all their ducks are in the perfect row! Some are probably even chickens 😂
Oh wow that you've written a book based on your blogs and it supports the Hospice! That's amazing 💗 and yes, I've found that my losses of my mom (and aunt, uncle and grandma, and 2 dogs) in the last few years have helped me grow, and I have written a lot on the subject of grief and loss and put them together in a book too! 😊 writing has been a great way for me to process....very cathartic
Thank you! And yes, writing is great (even though i stopped writing for a few years after my mom died unfortunately. But glad I eventually got back into it because it's super helpful 😊
This was a nicely written and interesting read. Pleased to say I make none of these faux pas as a bloke. Although I think I'd be a bit of an [insert insulting word] if I did. Who seriously thinks it's OK to ask a stranger "when are you due?". Just why???? Anyway thanks for the list and reminder to be careful out there - I'll share a link to this tomorrow in my newsletter round up.
Thank you for being an understanding and self aware guy and realizing how inappropriate it is to say these things! There needs to be more sensible people like you! And thank you for the mention in your newsletter tomorrow 😊
I love the examples you've shared. I dislike it when people say "Here's what I would have done..." and proceed to basically tell me how I'm wrong. I also dislike it when people one-up something I'm telling them about: "I had something even worse happen to me..." proceed to just talk about themselves.
Conversations are such interesting experiences, especially when the other person has no self awareness to speak of. I find it amusing that people think they know what's best for us!
My trigger is phrases leading to unwanted advice, i.e.: "You know what you should do?" or "Why don't you?" Even the more subtle "Have you ever thought of XXX?" annoys me. I know people who say these things are well-intentioned, but I wish they'd understand that If I want advice, I'm not shy to ask for it.
I relate to this so much. I was 36 when my husband died from cancer caused by workplace chemical exposure in 2019, and it just wrecked me, and it was very hard to realize just how alienating that grief was. People who get it are capable of holding space if they’re in a place emotionally to do so, but people who don’t say absurd things. My husband and I had lost our son at 33 weeks when I was 31, and that was also hard. Nobody new in grief wants to hear the platitudes that they may or may not find solace in once they’ve had substantial time to process. People also accused me of “living in the past” because I still talked about my husband—still do, but they neglect to consider that they talk about the time they won a football game in high school 25 years ago, and respectfully, a living soul who is no longer physically among us is a far more valuable memory upon which to reflect. The reality is people say these things because they’re polite ways to ask you to stop talking about it. And while it’s more about them and their own discomfort, it’s still hurtful when you are in the throes of deep grief. I realized through my current situation—a traumatic one to be sure—that there will be people we want to rely on who won’t be available, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love or support us, just as there will be people who won’t “get” what we’re going through, but they still care. I realized that as my connections ebb and flow with new people coming in or old people coming back, like some kind of busy stage set with actors jumping in and out of scenes with precise timing, the people who are available to us will be made known, and those who we want to be need to be let go of for that moment as lamenting the lack of their presence only drives us further into despair because we are taking their absence personally when most often, it’s anything but. My current situation made me grateful to realize this and that—shocker—I am not in fact the center of everyone’s universe, and it’s totally unfair for me to expect them to be. Still, I know it’s hard when you want a particular person to be there for you and that simply isn’t in the cards.
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband due to workplace caused cancer, and for your son as well. Big hugs and lots of love 💗💕
And yes I think a whole lot of what people say is due to their own discomfort around seeing other people grieving. Just like when you cry, people don't know what to say except "oh, don't cry!" Again that's due to their own discomfort around displays of emotions. Crying is healthy for our bodies - and our nervous systems! I've learned to not give a crap about crying in public/openly. We're human. Life is hard. Sometimes we need to cry.
I'm sorry people accuse you of "living in the past" when you talk about your husband (which of course you should!). Like you said, they recount their high-school or college days...how is that any different?! And if anything it's more important to talk about our loved ones because it keeps them alive for us 😊🤗
My dad died when I was 34 after a five year battle with cancer. (Honestly, the time was a gift, and I am so thankful for it). But when he died, someone close enough to know better but not close enough that I felt the need to call them on it said, "I know these years have been so hard on you. At least now you have some closure." Um, excuse me?! Closure?! I did not want (nor is there ever) closure when it comes to losing a loved one, thank you very much.
So sorry for your loss 💗 I'm glad you got to spend valuable time with him during that time 🥰
But UGH. Closure! Yeah, no. There is never closure.. You'll always grieve them in some way...it might change over time but it doesn't just stop/go away at some point. And it's not like "okay I can move on now" as soon as they pass. I have another article all about things you shouldn't say to someone who is grieving that I'll be doing a podcast on at some point. There are SO many insensitive things that people say! (Even though they think they're being helpful/supportive etc)
SO many things…and depending on how close we are, I’ve called some people on it. But it’s true that most people are trying their best. There is room for that…but we’d save a lot of grief (ha - what I mean here is irritation) by learning to center the other person and say less, as you already mentioned in the post.
Thanks for all this - I suspect there are a lot more strong opinions about what NOT to say than what people should say 😂…at least this is true for me!
you're welcome! thanks for this conversation and i'm sure a lot more have similar experiences where people have said things to them about their lost loved one that makes them go EXCUSE ME?! (as you said above!). But yes, less is more (IMO). Like: I'm here when/if you're ready to talk about it. OR just being supportive in non-verbal ways like dropping off some food for you when you don't have the spoons for cooking because your brain is on grief-mode.
Agreed. I think that in general if people could mind their own business and refrain from commenting on something they know nothing about (=someone else's life, choices, feelings, experiences)...
Yes! 100%! Everyone should just mind their own business!
As a fellow Childfree By Choice lady myself this completely resonates. I too lost loved ones close together (both parents within 5 weeks of each other in 2012, they both had cancer) and add to that I’m an Only (actually I prefer Oneling as it sounds softer!) seems to cause some people to think they can question my life choices or make judgements. It’s nobody else’s business and I shall probably morph into the Grumpy Cat Lady!
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for the loss of both your parents so close together to cancer! Big hugs and lots of love to you 💗. I like Oneling compared to Only 😊. But UGH why do people feel it's their business to tell you how to live your life?! Like do they have it all figured out and have the magic perfect life?? 🙄🙄🙄.
And here's to Grumpy Cat Ladies! That sounds great to me! 👊😊 (though sadly I'm allergic to cats so it'd have to be dogs for me 😞)
Bless you, thank you for your kind wishes. I’m a firm believer in making the best of how things turn out and if it hadn’t been for that awful time I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing now as I travelled and discovered I could write blogs. They became a book, that book helps me support the special hospice that took care of us and I’m now here communicating with beautiful souls like yourself.
And yes I’m totally with you about those who judge as if all their ducks are in the perfect row! Some are probably even chickens 😂
Oh wow that you've written a book based on your blogs and it supports the Hospice! That's amazing 💗 and yes, I've found that my losses of my mom (and aunt, uncle and grandma, and 2 dogs) in the last few years have helped me grow, and I have written a lot on the subject of grief and loss and put them together in a book too! 😊 writing has been a great way for me to process....very cathartic
I’m so sorry for your losses too, it’s a lot to process isn’t it. Writing certainly helped me to brain dump, release and restore. Onwards we go! 💪🤩
Thank you! And yes, writing is great (even though i stopped writing for a few years after my mom died unfortunately. But glad I eventually got back into it because it's super helpful 😊
This was a nicely written and interesting read. Pleased to say I make none of these faux pas as a bloke. Although I think I'd be a bit of an [insert insulting word] if I did. Who seriously thinks it's OK to ask a stranger "when are you due?". Just why???? Anyway thanks for the list and reminder to be careful out there - I'll share a link to this tomorrow in my newsletter round up.
Thank you for being an understanding and self aware guy and realizing how inappropriate it is to say these things! There needs to be more sensible people like you! And thank you for the mention in your newsletter tomorrow 😊
You’re very welcome. We all just need to be nice really - man or woman. Not that hard, yet it can seem to be…
I love the examples you've shared. I dislike it when people say "Here's what I would have done..." and proceed to basically tell me how I'm wrong. I also dislike it when people one-up something I'm telling them about: "I had something even worse happen to me..." proceed to just talk about themselves.
Conversations are such interesting experiences, especially when the other person has no self awareness to speak of. I find it amusing that people think they know what's best for us!
omg yes to all of that! especially the one-upping and making it all about them! (i have a friend who does this).
My trigger is phrases leading to unwanted advice, i.e.: "You know what you should do?" or "Why don't you?" Even the more subtle "Have you ever thought of XXX?" annoys me. I know people who say these things are well-intentioned, but I wish they'd understand that If I want advice, I'm not shy to ask for it.
Yes!! 100% i HATE unsolicited advice! As you said they are well intentioned, but...it just comes across as they think they know better than you!
I relate to this so much. I was 36 when my husband died from cancer caused by workplace chemical exposure in 2019, and it just wrecked me, and it was very hard to realize just how alienating that grief was. People who get it are capable of holding space if they’re in a place emotionally to do so, but people who don’t say absurd things. My husband and I had lost our son at 33 weeks when I was 31, and that was also hard. Nobody new in grief wants to hear the platitudes that they may or may not find solace in once they’ve had substantial time to process. People also accused me of “living in the past” because I still talked about my husband—still do, but they neglect to consider that they talk about the time they won a football game in high school 25 years ago, and respectfully, a living soul who is no longer physically among us is a far more valuable memory upon which to reflect. The reality is people say these things because they’re polite ways to ask you to stop talking about it. And while it’s more about them and their own discomfort, it’s still hurtful when you are in the throes of deep grief. I realized through my current situation—a traumatic one to be sure—that there will be people we want to rely on who won’t be available, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love or support us, just as there will be people who won’t “get” what we’re going through, but they still care. I realized that as my connections ebb and flow with new people coming in or old people coming back, like some kind of busy stage set with actors jumping in and out of scenes with precise timing, the people who are available to us will be made known, and those who we want to be need to be let go of for that moment as lamenting the lack of their presence only drives us further into despair because we are taking their absence personally when most often, it’s anything but. My current situation made me grateful to realize this and that—shocker—I am not in fact the center of everyone’s universe, and it’s totally unfair for me to expect them to be. Still, I know it’s hard when you want a particular person to be there for you and that simply isn’t in the cards.
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband due to workplace caused cancer, and for your son as well. Big hugs and lots of love 💗💕
And yes I think a whole lot of what people say is due to their own discomfort around seeing other people grieving. Just like when you cry, people don't know what to say except "oh, don't cry!" Again that's due to their own discomfort around displays of emotions. Crying is healthy for our bodies - and our nervous systems! I've learned to not give a crap about crying in public/openly. We're human. Life is hard. Sometimes we need to cry.
I'm sorry people accuse you of "living in the past" when you talk about your husband (which of course you should!). Like you said, they recount their high-school or college days...how is that any different?! And if anything it's more important to talk about our loved ones because it keeps them alive for us 😊🤗
My dad died when I was 34 after a five year battle with cancer. (Honestly, the time was a gift, and I am so thankful for it). But when he died, someone close enough to know better but not close enough that I felt the need to call them on it said, "I know these years have been so hard on you. At least now you have some closure." Um, excuse me?! Closure?! I did not want (nor is there ever) closure when it comes to losing a loved one, thank you very much.
So sorry for your loss 💗 I'm glad you got to spend valuable time with him during that time 🥰
But UGH. Closure! Yeah, no. There is never closure.. You'll always grieve them in some way...it might change over time but it doesn't just stop/go away at some point. And it's not like "okay I can move on now" as soon as they pass. I have another article all about things you shouldn't say to someone who is grieving that I'll be doing a podcast on at some point. There are SO many insensitive things that people say! (Even though they think they're being helpful/supportive etc)
SO many things…and depending on how close we are, I’ve called some people on it. But it’s true that most people are trying their best. There is room for that…but we’d save a lot of grief (ha - what I mean here is irritation) by learning to center the other person and say less, as you already mentioned in the post.
Thanks for all this - I suspect there are a lot more strong opinions about what NOT to say than what people should say 😂…at least this is true for me!
you're welcome! thanks for this conversation and i'm sure a lot more have similar experiences where people have said things to them about their lost loved one that makes them go EXCUSE ME?! (as you said above!). But yes, less is more (IMO). Like: I'm here when/if you're ready to talk about it. OR just being supportive in non-verbal ways like dropping off some food for you when you don't have the spoons for cooking because your brain is on grief-mode.
Nice, you make some really good points. Not to make this about me, ;) but I hate the word 'should'. I don't let anybody 'should' on me.
Sorry for your losses, crying is the body's way of emotionally regulating itself.
That's great advice! Not to let anyone 'should' you...
And thank you!
It helps knowing this stuff. Now I won't inadvertently insult someone saying it.
Glad that helped. Thanks for reading, David! 😊