Childfree by Choice Does Not = Bad Person
Every choice is valid
Okay, this post might be quite polarizing and controversial to some. Maybe I'll even lose some Subscribers with this post (I hope not!), but I'm just being honest and authentic here.
People like me who are childfree by choice can be made to feel like they are the scum of the earth, by the judging looks from strangers, or “your clock must be ticking!” We’re made to feel like not want
ing children is wrong and something we need to rectify ASAP in order to fit into society’s mold. They say things like “you’ll regret it later” or “you’ll change your mind”. If I say ‘no, I don’t want any’ after someone says the tried and true “there’s still plenty of time!” I’m made to feel that I’m taking the wrong path.
More women are choosing to be child free, so I don’t feel so much like something stuck to the bottom of someone’s shoe.
Thankfully, I’ve never been plagued by people asking me if I have kids or when am I planning to have them (I’m 45 now and the answer is never, thank you very much). It’s just never been on my agenda. Or maybe my maternal gene has been broken all this time.
Whatever the case, I’ve just never been a kid person. I’m not a fan. I’m uncomfortable around them (though my husband says I’m good with them when I do interact with them- go figure!). They just aren’t my jam as the kids say (do they say that? Not having them, I’m out of touch with the lingo of the younger generation these days). And there’s lots of reasons why women aren’t having children, and larger numbers around the world are choosing not to.
If I do get the ‘there’s still time!’ I just politely smile and nod. I’ve never had to explain myself, though I’ve heard of many in my place that have had to and I cringe with sympathy. I’ve never had to explain that I’ve never felt the urge to have kids, that it’s never been part of my life plan. Or that maybe it’s because I haven’t found ‘the one’ (um, I’ve been married for 23 years, so find a different argument please).
I've never had that maternal instinct, for which personally, I’m happy about. Does that make me selfish? That I am happy to live my life just me, my husband and our fur babies? Because it shouldn’t. I like my life. I don’t feel like anything is ‘missing’ or that I’m missing out on some big secret to life. I don’t regret having a mini me to live on after me (maybe that’ll change on my deathbed, but I highly doubt it). Or someone to take care of me when I grow old (but there’s no guarantee of that).
I sadly didn’t take care of my mom…then again she wasn’t “old”, she was 65, and so my dad took care of her in the last year or so of her life when her health was failing. Yes, I visited as often as I could but they lived — and my dad still lives — 3 hours away — 1.5 of that by ferry), but I wasn’t around for the ins and outs of taking care of her as her health declined. We have our own lives to live (yes, even without kids, as crazy as that might sound to those who think that people who don’t have kids, what else do they have to do or live for?).
My mom said to me before she passed that she was glad I didn’t have kids, and that I didn’t have to bring them up in this world because of how difficult and challenging and awful the world is (and this was before the pandemic if you can imagine! ). I often wonder what she would have thought about 2016 and onward (she died at the end of 2015). That was her own view in her depressed state she was in, though.
A few years ago I asked my dad if he’d wanted grandkids (there’s still my brother, but he’s currently not in a relationship so who knows), and my dad said he wasn’t bothered one way or the other — but also that he’s in his early 70’s now, so too old for taking care of a bunch of rugrats. He likes his freedom, and he sees his sister who has about 6 grandkids, and he doesn’t want to be in her shoes (but she used to run a daycare so she’s also had experience).
I’m relieved that more people my age (in their 40’s) and younger making the conscious choice not to and are going against societal expectations. The tides are slowly turning and maybe one day it will be more the norm for women to not have kids and when asked if they do and answer in the negative they won’t get a shocked or appalled reply back of “really? Why not?”
The question, “do you have any kids?” is hugely inappropriate to start with, because what if someone can’t have them, or has lost them? That poor person then feels obligated to explain, leaving the nosey nelly feeling ashamed and embarrassed (and so they should!). This goes hand in hand with asking a woman, “when are you due?!” When, um, maybe…they aren’t actually expecting….and cue awkwardness there, too.
Mother Earth will probably be a lot happier with more of us choosing to have less of us crawling around on her surface until we end up having to create Kevin Costner’s Waterworld of years ago (does anyone actually remember that movie? Like awkward personal questions, we should all try to forget it).
So if you have kids, great. If you don’t have kids (by choice), also great. Let’s not define people by their biology and a role, and instead by who they are as a person.
Oh, and don’t forget to live with a dose of wonder!
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As a woman who is childless not by choice, I 100% support all women who decide not to have children. As someone who desperately wanted them and never did, I get unbelievably frustrated with the amount of neglected, abused, and forgotten children in the world. Many women of my mothers generation had children because it was expected of them, not because they actually made a choice to have them. And tell me, how many screwed up adults do we have in the world now?
If you don't want children, for whatever reason, then you shouldn't have them. You are not a bad person. You are a person who has made a well thought out life choice. Good for you, and all women like you. I stand with you in solidarity.
There's nothing at all wrong with choosing not to have children. Much better than having children you'd prefer not to just to fall in line with social norms. Not that it's anyone else's business anyway. Good for you for recognizing what you want and acting accordingly.