Please Don't "Grief Shame" Others

Everyone's journey is different

I commented on someone’s Note that inspired me to turn the note into a post because I needed to say more on this topic.

Grief.

It is not something to 'get over'.

It is not something that can be rushed.

It is not something that will just last a few weeks or few months (like society seems to think!).

It will last forever - that might sound scary, but it's not because:

It won't be at the same intensity as when it is still fresh (and fresh can be a year, or two years, or even more!), because grief evolves and changes as we evolve and change without our loved one in our lives anymore.

It will come in waves.

At first huge tsunamis, but eventually smaller waves. But they'll never go away completely.

So don't feel like there's something 'wrong' with you if it's been a few weeks. Or months (or couple years as I said), and you haven't got 'back to normal'.

Because there is no 'normal'. Your normal has changed when you lose people in your lives. Because your life has changed.

And you wouldn't want to go 'back to normal' anyway, right? Because doing that would be disrespecting the person that you loved and lost.

You need to integrate this new reality into yourself. And that will take as long as it takes.

So don't feel pressure from anyone or the outside world. You do you, as the kids say, and screw everyone else! (in the nicest way possible, of course).

Hugs to anyone who has dealt with (or is dealing with, or will deal with) grief and loss.

Societal expectations around grief are so frustrating! I assume it's because so many people are uncomfortable around people who are sad/upset/grieving that they don't know how to deal with it and just want to rush it along to save them the discomfort/awkwardness.

It can make us feel like there's something wrong with us if we don't feel “better” after a few weeks or months just because of the societal stigma - how we're just expected to get on with things and go back to work etc. as if nothing has happened when in reality something earth shattering and life changing has happened! Grief can have a huge impact on our mental health and wellbeing, and it’s not something that we can just, to quote Taylor Swift, ‘shake it off’.

How can people not see that? Not understand that? Unless they know the experience themselves. 

And yet even then, some people throw themselves back into their “normal “ lives as a way to distance themselves from what's happened - as a (perhaps unhealthy) coping mechanism that only serves to delay any grief or strong emotions until later (it won't get rid of them - you can't bypass them!).

Of course, everyone is different.  And how they deal with grief and loss is different based on their individual relationships with the people they've lost.

So that's something else to remember. 

And try not to say, “oh I know exactly what you're going through, because I also lost my (parent/sibling/spouse/pet etc.)!”

Just because you lost someone too, doesn't mean the other person will be grieving the same way. There's no EXACT.  So don't pigeon hole them into your own personal experience. Because that's what it is.

A personal experience and a personal journey. 

And it is a journey. It's not a straight line from A to B but has twists and turns and ups and downs along the way. 

So be compassionate and remember everyone is different.

Don't “grief shame” (my term) them if it seems strange to you that they seem to be “better” (whatever that means!) after just a few weeks or months or whatever.  Or on the opposite end of the spectrum, if they don't seem to be “better” after a few years. Just let them be however they are.

Loss is not easy to process or come to terms with. It can take time.

It's a big change and adjusting to change takes time. 

So be compassionate with yourself as you grieve, and/or with others who are grieving. 

Go easy on yourself because you're navigating a new reality and you should be commended for your bravery around that.

Grief is like embarking on a boat ride across a giant ocean and you can’t see your destination and you have no idea how the voyage is going to be - stormy, calm or somewhere in between (or all variations along that spectrum!)

Sending hugs and love to all on the same journey.

And don’t forget to live with a dose of wonder.

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