Hello and welcome to Episode 3 of my podcast, Dose of Wonder!
This episode talks about how losing my mom, and others, has impacted my lift - in terms of my perception of time, grief and the very nature of death. An I also talk about the Physicist’s Eulogy, and about the importance of living in the present as life is finite.
Here’s some more background to stuff I talk about in my podcast today, about grief and death of various family members in the last almost 9 years.
After my mom died, I immediately went to the library and got a stack of books (yes, actual books!) on grief/death/loss, and read them all in an attempt to come to grips with losing her to alcoholism. We had a complicated relationship due to the fact that she had been an alcoholic pretty much for as long as I could remember, most of my (and my brother’s) life.
I read the pile of books almost as if I was taking a speed-reading course, just wanting to absorb all the information as quickly as possible, as if it could give me answers about what happened and heal me of my pain. Of course, I probably didn’t really absorb any of it, because I was still in the initial maelstrom of early grief.
A couple years later, I picked up some other books that I do remember taking a lot from. One of which I recommend to everyone which is by Frank Ostaseski, called: The Five invitations: What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully. I highly recommend it.
It has a bit of a Buddhist bent, because Frank Ostaseski is a Buddhist teacher and started the Zen Hospice Project in San Francisco which sounds amazing (side note: I’m really into Buddhism and meditation/mindfulness, so that may be one of the reasons this book really resonates, but I think even if you aren’t into any of that, it’s a really eye opening book).
Another great book is: It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay by Megan Devine.
Other things:
Losing animal/furbaby family members can cause the same amount/level of grief as losing a human loved one. So if you’ve lost a furbaby animal member of your family, don’t let anyone make you feel bad or weird for grieving their loss. After all, they are family members too! People who aren’t animal lovers might just not understand, and might think it’s crazy that you’re comparing the loss of your cat/dog/iguana/chinchilla/hamster to someone losing a human family member.
But important side note: it can be insensitive to bring up your pet’s death when a friend/family member is confiding to you about the loss of their human loved one. Maybe don’t do that. It’s not a game of comparison. I know you might think you’re showing that you can relate, but there’s a time and place.
And I’ve come to realize that everyone grieves differently. That might seem obvious, to most. But to me it was strange to experience. My brother and I reacted entirely differently to my mom’s death. Granted, my brother lived at home so was around my mom a lot longer than I was. I moved out at 20, as soon as I went to a university farther away from home, and had been living on my own/with my husband since then. Whereas my brother continued to live with my mom (and dad) up to when my she died. And as I said, my mom was an alcoholic so…it was challenging being around her a lot of the time.
Death (and grief) can bring perspective and insights, if we’re willing to pay attention. If we’re open to it. If we’re too shut down, we won’t be able to take anything in, and won’t be able to learn from the lessons that grief and loss can give us.
But it can take time to allow yourself to open up again after loss; to break down the walls you build around your heart to protect yourself. It isn’t something that can be rushed (or fixed with a pile of books on the subject!).
If you’ve experienced, or are experiencing grief and loss right now, I am sending you big hugs and lots of love. Be gentle with yourself.
Thanks for reading (and listening).
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