The Beautiful Mess Effect: Vulnerability As Strength
Our flaws make us more relatable
The other day I was out for a run, and as usual I was listening to a podcast, which I usually do when running.
I was listening to The Happiness Lab, and the host, Psychologist Dr. Laurie Santos mentioned a psychological concept that I’d never heard about, despite studying psychology in university and also a lot over the last few years (just out of interest).
She mentioned something called ‘The Beautiful Mess Effect’, and I was fascinated!
TL;DR:
where we see an awful mess (in our own lives)
others with an outsiders perspective see it as a ‘beautiful mess’
The story she and her guest talked about was having a messy house and feeling embarrassed about it, and how we judge ourselves for it and think it makes us look bad, when we have other people over.
We think they’re going to really judge us for having toast crumbs on the counter, or clutter around the house. But in reality, the visitor most often sees it as a positive thing. That you’re willing to be real and vulnerable with how life really is – and they feel that as something that they can relate to. That your ‘mess’ is seen by others as something more positive, yet we view it in a negative light ourselves.
She talked about visiting a friend who had a brand-new baby, so their house was cluttered and messy with everything that comes with having a new baby. She said how this friend apologized for the state of their house, the messiness, the chaos. They were embarrassed for being vulnerable and showing how life really was for them at that moment. And Dr. Santos said (paraphrasing): ‘no, no, don’t apologize. This is totally fine. I like this. If your house was super tidy with a newborn, I’d think there was something wrong and you’d be focused on the wrong priorities’! She mentioned how she felt like she could relate to her friends more than if their house had been show-home perfect.
If I visited someone, I’d feel a bit awkward and uncomfortable if their home was a spotless as a show home. And I’d feel more at ease, more comfortable, and more like wow, this person is just like me – if there’s maybe a few unwashed mugs in the sink, or maybe a few crumbs on the floor or a top tossed over the back of the couch. It would be make feel better about myself because I could relate to a lived-in house like that.
Now this is just one example, of course. This could also apply to anything that takes us out of our comfort zones. Like speaking in public, and potentially being judged by the audience. Or being vulnerable in romantic relationships. Or…insert situation here.
With that said, I decided to do some research on this psychological concept.
The central idea of the beautiful mess effect is that showing our flaws and imperfections, instead of hiding them behind some false veneer of perfection, leads to us feeling better about not just ourselves, but the other person, too.
We might think that being vulnerable is difficult – uncomfortable, risky. But the beautiful mess effect shows that it’s seen as a positive thing.
So there’s this dissonance between how we see our own vulnerability and how other people see it in us.
We see it as negative. Those looking at us from the outside see it positively.
Isn’t that strange?
And there’s a few reasons for this:
1) Psychological distance – we see vulnerability differently depending on how distant we are from the situation. It’s about how removed we feel from a situation, whether it's happening to us directly or to someone else. This difference in perception based on psychological distance is known as construal level theory which explains why we often judge our own vulnerability more harshly than we judge others. Researchers have found that the more psychologically removed you are, the more abstract you view a situation, the high the construal level, the more positive perspective you have towards a ‘mess’ of some sort. This explains why we might see vulnerability as courageous in others but as weakness in ourselves – because we’re too close to our own vulnerability. We’re too focused on the ‘messiness’ of our own weaknesses/imperfections/flaws, but we aren’t as close to others so we see their imperfections/flaws/vulnerabilities as something to be in awe of.
2) Detail focused – when thinking about our own vulnerability we focus on our immediate feelings of discomfort and embarrassment and that’s why we see it negatively. We are too focused on the ‘messy’ parts of being vulnerable.
3) Expanded awareness – this is opposite of #2. When we see other people being vulnerable, being real, being authentic, we see it as courageous – as them showing their real humanity and therefore see it more positively.
It boils down to us focusing on the negative aspects of our own vulnerability, our own flaws, and seeing the beauty in the fact that other people are being honest, open and authentic when they show theirs.
So this psychological concept highlights the fact that while being vulnerable might feel uncomfortable, awkward and scary to us internally, outwardly it can be seen as admirable, relatable, courageous, and humble. So embracing vulnerability, despite fearing potential judgement from others can lead to stronger relationships, personal growth, and greater self-compassion.
Being vulnerable can impact our self perception and our relationships with others. Even though we might be self-critical about our messiness and fear judgement, embracing our vulnerability can have lots of benefits, such as:
Increased self-compassion: when we recognize vulnerability as something we all deal with, we can learn to be kinder with ourselves and shut up our inner critic. To overcome the fear of vulnerability we need to recognize its positive aspects and replace our negative self talk with speaking to ourselves with more compassion. We need to talk to ourselves with the same kindness and understanding as we would a friend. When we acknowledge our common humanity, and remind ourselves that everyone has struggles and failures and is imperfect, that can help reduce the shame that we might feel when we let ourselves be vulnerable.
Stronger relationships: Showing our vulnerability allows us to come across as more authentic, which increases our bonds with others – increasing closeness, trust, connection and empathy.
Improved mental health and personal growth: By being more open and vulnerable, such as asking for help and sharing our feelings, and showing others our lives as they really are, it can increase our personal development and improve our self care.
One way to embrace vulnerability and the beautiful mess effect as an outsider in your own life is to practice mindfulness: Be present and aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment, which allows for a more balanced response to vulnerability.
Here's a breakdown of the 2 key factors in The Beautiful Mess Effect:
Self-Perception: We have a close up perspective of our own experiences, so we focus on the up close details – the negative feelings that come with showing vulnerability – like feeling discomfort, embarrassed or harshly self-critical. We’ll see these so-called negative aspects of vulnerability as a sign of weakness and inadequacy.
Others' Perception: As mentioned, other people outside of us have more psychological distance from the situation. So they don’t see what’s going on up close and personal, so they focus on the broader meaning, the more abstract meaning and they see us being vulnerable as a sign of strength, courage and being authentic.
The "beautiful mess effect" highlights a crucial point: what feels like weakness from the inside can look like courage from the outside, and recognizing this discrepancy can help us overcome the fear of being vulnerable, allowing us to realize the benefits of authenticity in building stronger relationships and promoting personal growth.
So what about you?
Are you guilty of the beautiful mess effect?
Do you see your flaws/imperfections/vulnerabilities as a weakness with your inner critic chattering loudly?
If so, perhaps try to view yourself how an outsider would see you – which is as strong, courageous, inspiring and someone to look up to.
And don’t forget to live with a dose of wonder!
✨ Love this reflection?
You can download a beautifully simple 8-point infographic of the key ideas over in my Ko-fi shop. It’s pay-what-you-want — perfect as a gentle reminder, a journal page, or a quiet moment to come back to.
References:
https://melliobrien.com/the-beautiful-mess-effect/
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I loved learning about this! The fact that there's a reason we have less harsh judgments on others for doing the same things we're doing... I always wondered about that... it seemed such a contradiction... fun read!
I have a life to live not a life to tidy up all the time. Although no judgment on the neat freaks either. We all have different comfort zones when it comes to chaos and mess. Sunsets, books, cooking delicious food, roaming the forest, working in the garden … too many things to experience that leaves very little room, or time, to be “tidy”. I don’t need tidy on my grave stone.