The Paradox of Modern Communication

We're engaged with our devices more than each other

I’ve been noticing this a lot, the last few years. Especially in places like restaurants or cafes. People - friends, or perhaps a family sitting around a table say, but no one is talking, or even looking at each other. Instead they’re looking down at the devices grasped in their hands.

Now, I use my phone a lot, too. And I’m guilty of this myself, I’m 99.9% sure. But it is still a strange thing to witness.

In an age where we're more connected than ever, a bizarre paradox has emerged: we are often alone together. This phrase, popularized by MIT professor Sherry Turkle in her book of the same name, describes a world in which people are physically near one another (like seated around a table in a restaurant), but emotionally or mentally elsewhere—glued to screens, scrolling through feeds, or engaging in endless digital conversations while ignoring the person sitting right beside them.

It makes me sad to see this (even though I’m probably guilty of it myself). For example, right now I’m sitting beside my husband on the couch writing this article…not talking or communicating or interacting with him. Granted, he’s watching the TV, so that’s a bit different. We aren’t necessarily in a situation where it used to be that people would actually communicate - like around a table in a cafe or restaurant. Any lull in conversation seems to be an excuse to pick up our phones and start scrolling.

The Rise of Digital Proximity

Smartphones and social media have entirely changed how we communicate (and as an introvert, for the most part, I prefer this way of communicating - by text, instead of face-to-face IRL. I can take my time crafting what I want to say).

We can text or message a friend across the world, join a Zoom meeting from our bedrooms, only half dressed, or share curated moments of our lives with tons of followers instantly. But as digital proximity rises, our face-to-face interaction can suffer. In restaurants, families eat together with their eyes on their screens (It might seem fine if you’re the ones doing it, but being an observer of it just highlights the strange sadness of it). In parks, couples sit side by side, immersed in separate digital worlds - my husband and I are guilty of this at home, sitting on our couch. We are together physically, but disconnected in spirit.

Emotional Disconnect in a Hyperconnected World

Being “alone together” isn’t just about physical presence—it’s about emotional presence. We might send heart emojis or share personal updates online (or if you’re my husband, send a million dog-related reels or videos to me), but these often lack the depth and nuance of real-time conversation (yes, even those cute dachshunds!). Without tone, body language, and spontaneous exchange, our connections can become superficial. We may feel seen but not understood, heard but not truly listened to. I question, do you feel listened to on social media platforms, like Substack or other social media? When, often, most people just click the heart, and many don’t even go so far as to type some words of communication. Is a heart emoji a sufficient amount of emotional connection, I dare to ask?

This emotional disconnect can lead to feelings of isolation, even in crowded rooms or active group chats. It’s not the absence of people that defines loneliness anymore—it’s the absence of meaningful connection. And that’s what we’re all craving, isn’t it? Meaningful connection. Not just superficial short bursts of chatting and hitting heart reactions.

The Cost of Constant Connectivity

Ironically, the very tools designed to bring us closer are probably driving us apart (at least on the deeper level of connection that human beings crave as social beings). Constant connectivity can create anxiety through the pressure to respond instantly (raises hand here), or the illusion that we must always be available and able to be reached 24/7. In trying to maintain digital relationships, we sometimes neglect the ones right in front of us. Even our solitude is interrupted—moments of reflection are now replaced by compulsive checking, scrolling, and swiping.

This is what gets me the most. I find that I can’t even just wait patiently in a checkout line, taking that moment to pause and not do anything besides wait my turn. If there’s any moment of solitude, I take that time to grab my phone and start mindlessly scrolling to kill time. It makes you feel productive, doesn’t it? Instead of ‘wasting time’ (when you’re still just wasting time).

Finding Presence in a Digital Age

So how do we fix this? The challenge is finding balance. That’s the tricky thing. Technology isn’t inherently harmful—it’s how we use it that matters.

We can start by setting boundaries: no phones at the dinner table, designated screen-free time, or simply choosing to be present with the people around us - this is something I’m actively working on. I put down my phone and listen when my husband is talking to me instead of nodding mm-hmm and only listening with half an ear while trying to post my latest pics on Instagram or write my next Substack note.

So that’s the goal: Prioritizing face-to-face interaction, active listening, and shared experiences can help rebuild the depth and warmth that define real human connection that is sorely lacking in today’s screen-filled society.

“Alone together” is not a condemnation of technology, but a call to take a closer look and reexamine how we connect with others.

In our rush to stay linked digitally, we must not forget the power of physical presence, of eye contact (I’ve been keenly aware recently, when I am making actual eye contact with someone), of silence shared between friends - without looking down at the mini computers glued to our hands.

True togetherness isn't just about proximity—it’s about presence, attention, and care. In rediscovering those things, we can transform being alone together into simply being together.

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