Why It’s Perfectly Normal to Be a Little Bit in Love with a Fictional Character

How fictional crushes comfort, inspire, and remind us what we long for

Note: I originally wrote this on Medium back in 2022, but have tweaked and refreshed it for Substack. Enjoy!

Have you ever found yourself thinking about a fictional character long after the credits roll?

Maybe it’s someone from Stranger Things, Ted Lasso, or The Witcher. Maybe it’s a brooding vampire, a witty detective, or a chaotic comfort character from your favourite book. Whoever it is, you’re not alone — not even close. Getting emotionally invested in fictional people is surprisingly common. And believe it or not, there are psychological reasons why our brains do this.

In fact, there’s a whole theory behind it: the Social Surrogacy Hypothesis.

Coined by researchers exploring how we form relationships through media, this idea suggests we process fictional connections — like those we feel toward beloved TV characters — in the same way we process real-life social interaction. Licensed Clinical Counselor Jennie Steinberg explains that these imagined connections can actually fulfill some of our emotional needs, especially when we’re feeling lonely or disconnected.

Research published in the Journal of Social Psychology backs this up. Psychologist Kurt Hugenberg and colleagues conducted a series of studies showing how fictional relationships can offer a sense of belonging. In one study, lonely participants reported feeling less alone after watching their favourite shows. In another, simply thinking about a beloved series helped protect people from mood dips and rejection-related stress.

So if turning to your comfort show after a hard day feels like a lifeline — that’s because it kind of is.

Even just talking about the characters we love can reduce feelings of isolation. Researcher Shira Gabriel found that people who felt rejected by others experienced less loneliness when they engaged with their favourite shows. Jaye Derrick, another social psychologist, notes that while these relationships aren’t a long-term substitute for real-world connection, they do offer emotional benefits — especially for people who struggle with in-person interaction, like those on the autism spectrum or those experiencing social anxiety.

Basically: when real connection feels out of reach, fictional worlds step in and offer something soft to hold onto.

That said, it’s worth noting that not all media is processed the same way. According to a study published in SAGE Journals, music seems to evoke unique emotional responses, particularly nostalgia. While music can also create a sense of belonging, more research is needed to fully understand how it compares to books, films, or TV in fulfilling our social needs.

Entertainment writer Mandi Bierly reflected on these studies and came to a comforting conclusion: it’s normal to relate deeply to fictional characters and stories. When we immerse ourselves in a show, we’re often escaping our own inner critic or self-doubt. It can actually lift our self-esteem and soothe feelings of rejection or disconnection.

But even with all this evidence, there’s still a strange kind of shame attached to being too attached. Psychologist and Yale professor Laurie Santos (host of the great podcast The Happiness Lab) notes how adults — especially those past childhood and teen years — can face judgement for having deep emotional ties to fictional characters.

And yet, these connections are entirely valid.

Dr. Santos explains that fictional characters often become important parts of our psychological social circle. Our brains don’t always differentiate between real and imagined when it comes to feeling connected. And those bonds — however “made up” — can help us become better versions of ourselves, the way being around a good friend might.

Because who hasn’t been braver, softer, or more hopeful because of someone they met in a book or on a screen?

So if you’ve ever thought of a fictional character as a friend, mentor, or secret soulmate... you’re in good company. And your brain is just doing what brains do — finding belonging wherever it can.

Tell me — who are your favourite fictional friends or social surrogates? I’d love to hear which characters feel like home to you.

If this letter found you at the right time, feel free to share it with someone else who might need a little wonder today.

✨ Love this reflection?
You can download a beautifully simple 8-point infographic of the key ideas over in my Ko-fi shop. It’s pay-what-you-want — perfect as a gentle reminder, a journal page, or a quiet moment to come back to.

💬 Reply to this email or leave a comment — I read and cherish every one.
🎧 Want more like this? My Ko-fi shop has printable doses of wonder for your week.

References:

https://medium.com/mindful-mental-health/why-its-ok-to-be-obsessed-with-your-fave-fictional-characters-8b7854f5a60b by Caitlin McColl

Santos, L (2022, Sept 26) Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Friendships with Entirely Fictional Characters. The Science of Wellbeing. https://lauriesantos.bulletin.com/sherlock-holmes-and-the-case-of-friendships-with-entirely-fictional-characters/

Hugenberg, K (2009 Feb) Social Surrogacy: How Favored Television Programs Provide the Experience of Belonging. Research Gate https://www.researchgate.net/publication/223692761_Social_surrogacy_How_favored_television_programs_provide_the_experience_of_belonging

Bierly, M (2020, Aug 4) TV is a social surrogate, studies say. Which show is yours? Entertainment Weekly https://ew.com/article/2009/04/28/tv-loneliness/

Steinberg, J (2015, Dec 2) The Social Surrogacy Hypothesis: Why You Still Miss Firefly . Through The Woods Therapy. https://www.throughthewoodstherapy.com/social-surrogacy-hypothesis/

Schaefer, K (2018, Sept 7) How listening to music and engagement with other media provide a sense of belonging: An exploratory study of social surrogacy. Sage Journals. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0305735618795036

Donovan, P (2009, April 22) A Warm TV Can Drive Away Feelings of Loneliness and Rejection.University at Buffalo. https://www.buffalo.edu/news/releases/2009/04/10063.html

Wellington, K (2020, Nov 5) Quickie: Are You In Love With A Show? Medium.com https://medium.com/sex-with-a-side-of-quirk/television-and-the-social-surrogacy-hypothesis-ee290e31af99

---

Dose of Wonder is a free publication.
If something here stirred your heart or made you pause — and you’d like to support my work — you can do so for less than the price of a fancy coffee (just $3).
Click the image below or the ‘Support Me’ link at the top of my page (doseofwonder.ca).
Every small contribution helps keep the wonder flowing.

With heartfelt thanks, always.
— Caitlin

P.S. Want to write for Dose of Wonder?

If you're curious about sharing your voice and ideas here as a guest writer, I’d love to hear from you. Your piece will be sent to all my subscribers—and you can cross-post it to your own audience too.

More eyes. More wonder. More connection.

Curious? Read this article for all the details →