Learning To Be Okay With What Is

It's a practice, not perfect

Let me be honest: I’m not naturally good at accepting things as they are (unlike my husband).

I’m a fixer. A thinker. A “this-can’t-be-it” kind of person. If something feels off, I want to make it better. If something’s uncertain, I want answers. If I’m uncomfortable, I want out. I do not like surprises. If you surprise me, I’ll burst into tears (and not in a good way - true story).

But lately, I’ve been trying—slowly, awkwardly—to get okay with what is. Not the future, not the version I wish existed, but the messy, unfinished moment in front of me.

One of my favourite Buddhist teachers is American Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön, and she has a saying:

right now, it's like this.

This post isn’t a guide. It’s more like a diary entry with a pulse. An offering, if you’re also learning how to be still in the face of discomfort, or trying to accept a chapter of your life that doesn’t quite look how you thought it would.

In a world where we’re constantly pushed to chase more—more success, more happiness, more certainty—it can feel counterintuitive, even lazy, to pause and say, “I’m okay with how things are.”

But the idea of being okay with what is isn’t about giving up. It’s about learning to breathe in the present moment, accept reality as it stands, and find peace without needing to change every uncomfortable thing.

This practice—often referred to as radical acceptance—can be deeply transformative. And like anything worthwhile, it takes time (and effort).

What Does It Mean to Be Okay with ‘What Is’?

Being okay with what is means allowing reality to be exactly what it is—without resistance, denial, or immediate attempts to fix it - listen up, Caitlin —yep, I’m talking to myself here! It’s recognizing that we can’t always control our circumstances (we can’t actually control anything), but we can choose how we relate, and react, to them. It doesn’t mean you agree with or like everything that’s happening; it means you stop fighting the fact that it is happening.

It’s the difference between saying, “I hate that it’s raining today,” and “It’s raining today—maybe I’ll slow down and rest a bit.” This second voice is what we need to listen to more often (are you listening, inner me?).

Why Do We Resist the Present?

Our minds are wired for problem-solving (thanks, evolutionary biology!). That’s a useful trait when you’re building a house or fixing a broken sink, but not when you’re navigating heartbreak, illness, or uncertainty. We tend to resist emotions like grief, boredom, anxiety, or disappointment, trying to fix them, numb them, or outrun them.

But resistance can often prolong our suffering. What we resist tends to persist, as the saying goes. When we deny or fight what we’re experiencing, we add an extra layer of stress: the pain and the struggle against it. Or what’s referred to as the second arrow, if you’re into Buddhist stuff at all.

Acceptance Isn’t Complacency or Defeat

One of the biggest misconceptions about accepting what is is that it means you’re giving up or settling. But acceptance isn’t the end of growth—it’s the starting point. It’s saying, “This is where I am right now,” so you can move forward with clarity rather than fear or denial.

Think of it like standing at the base of a mountain. You can only begin the climb when you’re honest about where your feet are planted. Pretending you’re further along doesn’t help; wishing the mountain weren’t there doesn’t make it disappear.

There’s this fear that if we accept reality, we’re giving up. That if we stop fighting against the hard parts—grief, confusion, uncertainty—we’re just resigning ourselves to them.

But here’s the thing I’m learning: acceptance isn’t giving up. It’s stopping the fight. And that’s a totally different thing that requires a very different kind of courage.

Sometimes, the real strength is in saying, “This is happening, and I don't like it, but I'm here for it anyway.” You’re showing up and doing the work, despite the difficulty.

How to Practice Being Okay with What Is

Here are a few ways to start:

1. Pause and Notice
   When something difficult arises, take a breath. Notice what’s happening in your body and mind without immediately trying to change it.

2. Name It
   “This is anxiety.” “This is sadness.” Naming what you’re feeling can help create a little space between you and the emotion, making it easier to sit with.

3. Let Go of the ‘Shoulds’
   “It shouldn’t be this way.” “I should be further along.” These thoughts are heavy. Practice noticing them and letting them float by without grabbing onto them.

4. Return to the Present
   The present moment is often more bearable than the stories we tell about it. Come back to your breath, your body, the sensations around you. You can always try one of my fave practices, the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise - find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste.

5. Be Kind to Yourself
   Accepting what is also means accepting yourself in this moment. You don’t need to be perfect or enlightened to be worthy of peace (or rest, or whatever it is).

The Exhaustion of Resisting Reality

A few months ago, I hit a point where I was so mentally tired—not from what was happening, but from constantly resisting it. I was replaying things that had already happened (this is my default mode, really). Spinning out over things that hadn’t. Running endless mental marathons with no finish line.

It’s like my brain was saying: “This shouldn’t be how it is.” Over and over. It can be exhausting.

But what if it should be this way, at least for now? What if the discomfort has something to teach us before we sprint toward fixing it? Slow down. (practice: Go back to point #1 above and pause).

Sitting With What Is

So I’ve started practicing being with what’s real. Some days that looks like naming what I’m feeling (“This is uncertainty. This is fear.”). Other days it’s just taking a breath and not trying to change anything (even though I might really, really want to!) Like today, I was feeling really nauseous and sick (ah, the joys of being a woman), and I thought to myself - it’s okay to just feel sick. Just accept that this is how you’re feeling right now.

Letting a moment be exactly what it is without needing it to be something more.

It sounds simple. But it’s not easy. Especially when your instinct is to solve everything ← me.

Still, there’s something weirdly beautiful about choosing presence over performance. Letting your heart beat its raw rhythm without trying to tune it.

If You’re In It Too…

If you’re in a season that feels heavy or unclear—or if you’re just tired of fighting everything—this is your gentle reminder:

You don’t have to be at peace with everything. You just have to be here for it. You can let things be unresolved and still keep going, keep moving forward, one step at a time (or as one of my fave Peloton instructors always says ‘forward is a pace’). You can be in progress and still be whole.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is stop pushing against the moment and let it wash over you.

Let it teach you. Let it pass. Let it be.

What I'm Learning (Still)

Being okay with what is doesn’t mean you stop dreaming, changing, growing. It just means you stop waiting for life to feel perfect (spoiler alert: it will never be, sadly) before you allow yourself to be present in it.

It’s a slow, imperfect practice. But it’s softening me. And that softness is starting to feel a lot like strength.

Being okay with what is doesn’t mean you’ll never feel pain, fear, or frustration again. It means you’re learning to carry those things with less resistance and more grace. It’s a quiet strength—a softening into the moment rather than hardening against it.

And in that softening, in that willingness to be with life as it is, we often discover something surprising: a deeper sense of peace, even joy. Not because everything is perfect, but because we’ve stopped demanding that it be.

Let that be enough. For now, at least.

If this resonated, feel free to reply or share your own experience—I love hearing how others are navigating this weird and wonderful thing called life.

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